Guest Post - Open Letter to Greyhound Canada from Mehron

Dear Greyhound Canada,

I feel obliged to bring to your attention some unfavourable facts concerning your lack of bus service etiquette. I am a concerned citizen on a trip around-the-world, who after enduring bus rides of lengths up to 15 hours in 7 different countries, have come to the conclusion that your services are completely inefficient. This is a travesty of international proportions.

In no other country has there been a blatant disregard for movie usage on bus tv's (I know you still have copies of Men In Black...I have witnessed their showings back in the 90's), painful mandatory stops at the overly-priced and under-supplied Log Cabin restaurant on highway 7, recorded decapitations and subsequent threats of the like and/or unreliable time scheduling (it should never take 7 hours from Ottawa-Toronto, even a snail dragging a tractor could get there faster).

I propose some of the following ways that other national bus lines have used to amp up their services:

1. Replace the current uncomfortable seats for La-Z-Boy chairs that fully recline (Malaysia)
2. Use that relic of a tv that currently inhabits all buses and if they are not working, instead of leaving it as clutter, just bolt a 60" Plasma tv in its place. Voila the passengers are satisfied (Vietnam)
3. Once the tv is working and movies are playing, a good economical way of passing the time is to pop in Titanic in Khmer...it works like a charm (Cambodia)
4. If there is hesitation that the passengers will mess up the newly acquired seats then covering them with the same plastic sheeting one's grandmother uses on her couch will do the trick (Brunei) or alternatively putting up a sign indicating that passengers should refrain from ingesting stinky food on said bus will also help - i.e. "No durian or shrimp paste allowed!" (Malaysia)
5. If the trip is long and there is hesitation that the passengers will become restless then a round of musical chairs that will allow them to move around the cabin at midnight to swap seats with on-coming passengers is always a good idea (Malaysia)
6. If there is prior notice that the bus will be heated up to 28 degrees Celsius or cooled down to arctic temperatures due to air conditioning then I strongly stress that a hostess and massage chairs are employed (Thailand)
7. If there are complaints regarding the smell emanating from the toilets at the back of the bus might I suggest that moving it downstairs to a secret compartment...this may entail major alterations to the shape/mechanics of said bus (Thailand)
8. If there is to be a border crossing then instead of making the passengers individually go through immigration, it will be better if they stand at the border for hours while their passports are checked without them physically being at the counter...much like a ghost being cross examined at immigration, it's much speedier (Vietnam)
9. Personalize drop off services so instead of ending the journey at a generic bus terminal at the center of the city, the bus can drop off passengers to their respective neighbourhoods; thus extending the trip from 10 hours to 14 hours...no one can resist a good long ride (Vietnam)

I strongly urge that Greyhound Canada take my suggestions seriously as it will only serve to greatly strengthen and elevate its standing in world bus lines. Thank you for your time and patience.

Sincerely,

Mehron (a.k.a Connoisseur of the art of traveling for extended periods of time on foreign bus lines)